Silent Emptiness
by osarisanhur
Summary: Emptiness. Void. Not even sorrow or suffering reflect back at him. Sorry suck at summarries.


_I walk into your office letting the door close behind me. Silence is all that greets me. I'm not surprised. I know you're aware it's me. I'm staring at your back knowing that you won't turn around to look at me. You don't even acknowledge my presence. And that hurts. Your indifference cuts through me like a knife. How the hell am I gonna make this right? _

_The silence was once a welcomed presence between us. An intimate communication appreciated and cherished by us both. So much said without the need for words. Comfort given and received with just a look. A connection soul deep and heart felt. A warmth, friendship, loyalty and love shared in a silent gaze. _

_Now it's gone. All of it! The silence is suffocating with its emptiness. A vacuum between us. A void that I desperately want, no need, to be filled. But I have an overpowering fear that it may never be again._

_I stop my hand midair just before it touches you. The need to feel you is overwhelming. But it wouldn't be enough. What I really want is to pull you close, hold you in my arms and never let you go. The knowledge that my attentions are no longer wanted or welcomed does nothing to quell my need. I'm consumed with a desperate yearning to reach out to you. To just place my hand on your arm and feel the warmth of you beneath my fingers. But I can't. I've lost the privilege of touching you. You took it back. The silence and loss of touch isolate me from you in ways I never thought possible._

_I hate that you're hurting. Especially when it's because of me._

_Suddenly you're moving, walking past me, heading for the door, looking right through me. _

"Stella please…don't leave."

_There's no goodbye. Just you walking away, taking more than just a piece of my heart with you. It cuts like a knife. You have no idea how much I need you. Or maybe you do and that's the point. I don't know anymore. It doesn't matter what I have to say. It seems you've already said all you needed to. You're done. I never thought I'd be alone, not while you had a breath left in you. I never thought that there was anything we couldn't get through._

_Fighting back my tears I turn and leave. I have no idea where you've gone. Home I expect. Our shift ended hours ago. Me, I head to the solitude of the roof._

*******

_Motionless, I stand and stare out over the city. Trying to hide in the darkness that surrounds me. Like some injured animal licking its wounds. The ache in my heart is too much to bear. Pain washes over me in waves. As sharp now as they were with Claire. It makes my body tremble beneath the onslaught. And I'm powerless against it. _

_I pull myself up to stand on top of the wall. The only thing that was between me and a forty-five storey drop. It's reckless, stupid, dangerous and I don't care. The wind buffets my body making it sway slightly. I stand there high above my city, alone. Forcing myself to breathe through the emotional agony crashing through me. _

_How many times can a heart break? Mine is in so many pieces, I think it's beyond repair. You were always at my side. At my darkest moments you were there getting me through. I miss you so much, even though I see you everyday. You're lost to me. The weight of loss is crushing me and I don't think I can survive it again. You pulled me from the ashes of despair after Claire. Forced me to go on and gave me a reason to live. I built my life with you. I need you. But you're not here. My mind tortures me with memories that I'm helpless to stop. Sleep is something to avoid. My dreams taunt me with images of you. I just want it to end. I want you back. My friend!_

_I close my eyes and all I see is your smile. Your face is etched into my mind. You're held in my heart, seared into my soul. Your touch is burned into my skin. You are a part of me. I can't escape that, even if I wanted to._

_It would be so easy to end it. To stop it all! To silence the hurt, to kill the pain. As easy as taking a step. One step! To plunge into nothingness. To freefall. To feel the rush of air envelope me as my body rushes to meet the street below. The impact ending it all. I'm so tired. Tired of hurting. But I know I can't do it. I could never hurt you like that. Never cause you that much pain. So I'm doomed to live with my shattered soul. To go through the motions of living even though I'm dying inside._

_My heart aches for our missing connection, hurts at the loss. The pain is soul deep. But I can't give up. I refuse to walk away. Not without a fight. You mean too much to me, without you I'm nothing but a shell and I don't want to go back to living like that. There's no point._

_I hear the roof door clip shut. And I know it's her even before I hear the gasp. Why is she here, what does she want? _

_A gust of wind hits me hard, rocking me precariously on my perch. She yells my name and I hear the fear and panic in her voice._

_A warmth flows through me, something I haven't felt for a long time. And for the first time in three months I feel that all is not lost._

_****************_

Hope you like this. It wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. Please read and review.


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